Saturday, July 17, 2010
I'm starting to get busy with work & earning for myself instead of friends & other activities. Boyfriends are starting to come last & it's no longer affecting my life too much now. I've learnt my lesson the hard way & each time I try to start from 'A' with someone, I just slip off. It's either I get paranoid & all, too dependent or simply couldn't be bothered. I keep telling myself that there's so much more to look out for instead of just boys & other shit activities. I see that I'm loving this busy schedule.
I'm a little upset with myself for not being able to be discipline with the things that I desire/wanna do. This is just another major issue about me. I can't set my mind to do something for a long period of time. Each time I tried to, I tend to fail. Don't ask why. It's just personal mind-over-matter situation. Not there yet, but am still learning & pushing hard.
I'm stupid in a sense. I get into things just too easily. So much a person can do to another life. Muhammad Azar Bin Rahmat completely changed me from who I was before; carefree & not bothering about what people has to say about me. However, things happened. & my confidence, my personality & my enthusiasm is stolen. I get self-conscious; just too self-conscious, I tend to avoid people. & why do I avoid them? Because I'll start assuming that they're gonna dislike me. I've got issues. I assume too much, I tend to think lowly of myself. How to love someone else when I don't even love myself enough to bring back my bloody confidence. My assumptions sometimes cost me my friends.
Idk what's really going on with me now. I did some soul-searching but it wasn't that good. I still want what I want & when that 'someone' don't come along, I'll turn to a very nasty person. Homg! I really need to think wiser now. Seriously.