Saturday, July 17, 2010
Everytime I think about what to do the next day, I think of doing it with you. Every night before I go to sleep, I wish I'd dream of you. Everytime I wake up, I'd smile just thinking of you. Now, I'm just worried, I'd not be able to see you ever again.I'm not the best person to stick around with; my flaws are much visible then it used to be. I fail a lot in the things that I'm good at & most disappointing, I fail a lot in taking care of one's heart. I left my future dangling & I concentrated on my past. It scarred me so bad, I made more scars on myself. Instead of making things better, I have the tendency of making things worse.
Look at my fate after you left me, I've fallen into the deepest shithole of my life. I'm supposed to be happy; carefree & not worrying about anything else. However, because of the subsequent carelessness I have in me, I overturned my luck. I wasn't discipline enough to take care of my own well-being, I fail myself & many others around me, especially girlfriends. I wish there was something I could do to rewind time. Rewind time to the day where I could just make amendments to the hearts that I've broken.
Karma isn't something to joke about. I think it's true. I've got my taste of medicine a couple of times. However, not everyone learn from their mistakes. I tried so many ways to not destroy what I have infront on me, but I destroy & damage almost anything in my life. I wanted someone to help me.
I kept wondering, "At which point in my life, did I do a sin so huge, that I'm receiving all the hell on earth?" I can't possibly get answers cause I'm not Allah. He has all that I look for & all that I want to know. I'm a strong believer, though. I believe these things happen for a reason & that these are tests that Allah is giving to me. Tests to see how far I can stand in order to proceed in life.
The plans that I've set for myself went haywire & no matter how hard I tried to make things happen, it just didn't work out as well as I thought it'd be. I'm staying as positive as I can at this point. I need to assure myself that I can't just let this matter bring me down.
I lost something pretty important for me in my life. My Azar was stolen and Osman left me. Though I curse that thief who stole Azar, I just got no one to blame but myself. Myself for being so selfish & myself for being so self-centred. I supposed I've gotten my taste of medicine. I absolutely hate myself for this.I hope He'll trade my pain for something better. One good thing is happening at this point. He met me to a person who never fails to make me laugh like I've never laughed before. Who's there each & everytime I needed someone, even without me looking for him. Who simply knows what I like & what I don't. Showers me with all the attention I needed & pampers me with the simple things that I'd yearn. No one knows how long this'll last. We all know things will turn ugly one way or another. I'm learning to really put the past behind me & just move forward. I've dreaded to much on it, I'm losing grip of reality. With His help & his unconditional support, I believe, well enough, that I'd move on & be the happiest living individual on the surface of Earth.
Thank you, Allah, for all that you've given & is giving me. No matter how fugly it is, I know that You're doing it to make me a better person. For that, I'm accepting anything & everything you have for me. I Love You, Allah!
Labels: Sad-sadd-saddded.