Friday, July 9, 2010
It's been a good lesson learnt for me - to live life the hard way. I strengthened myself from the experiences & I grew & continue growing from where I started. To me, life is bout a journey where you witness the beauty & the ugly. It doesn't always have to go your way, instead, one should always prepare him/herself another route to a certain situation. I've lived my 20 years of life in many ways - from the good, the bad, the ugly & the most amazing. & during these period of time, I acquire knowledge. Mine might not be as strong as some, mine might not be as beautiful as others & mine might not be the weakest, but one thing's for sure, mine is a mixture of tragedy & happiness. For all that I'm concerned about, mine is still beautiful.Right at this point, I'm going thru another challenge - the challenge to change for a better person then I've been. I messed up much. My heart was broken by the one guy I truly loved, my life turned around when I met a few group of people, my family looked upon me as a problem child & my sisters changed her perspective towards me. I've gotto admit, the limits are reaching. My brains aren't adapting too well to the current situation & I am mentally & emotionally disturbed. My sisters looking upon me as a fucked up sister. They're assuming things that I've never done & everything about what I'm doing now is a piece of shit for them. Everything isn't the same anymore.
I've to admit, I haven't really been a good sister lately. Eversince that boy left me. I've been staying out till really late at night with my supergood friends, sometimes not coming home till the sun rises. I've been taking his silence as an advantage. & I only came to him when I needed financial help. I've crossed his limits & I know I deserve what I'm getting now. However, somethings that he's said are unnecessary & hurtful & has cut me deep. Thus, as of today, I am gonna work my ass off & survive on my own. Maybe now, I ain't got the privileges to do the things that I want. But that doesn't make me weak. As long as I think I can hold on, I'll persevere. Once my wings are ready enough to fly, I'll forever be gone away from him & I'll never come back. For one, he is no longer the man I know no matter what sacrifices he's done for me. He lived too much in the past, he tend to bring it forward & hold grudges against everyone.
He's learnt to let go of certain things in his life including me. So, I've made up my mind to do the same. I'll just withstand it for as long as I can. He thinks I'm trash. He gave me no moral support, he thinks I'm bringing his life down just by doing what I'm doing. Everything I do in his eyes are lies & nonsense. I can't be him & I never can cos he's experienced the things I have not thus, that makes me so much different from him. He expects too much of me & when I can't give him what he wants, he punish me. My time is arriving. My strength is growing. I might not really know what this life is about but with strong confidence & believe, everyone can make it.
This won't be for too long. It's every man for himself now. The life I'm getting at this point is good in everyone's eyes, but put yourself in my shoes & in my world right now, you'd prolly run & never come back. I've packed my farewell. Just waiting for time to allow me to leave.